Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Waiting

Our plans have been in place for over a year now. First there was work to be done and then there was research to be done and now we are left just waiting and being still. We are ready but things are not aligned as of yet and it can be so hard waiting this long.

Remember how long the days seem to be in the final weeks before summer break back in grade school? I remember when the Sears catalog would arrive in late October or early December and I would spend weeks circling what I wanted Santa to bring. I would take my time contemplating my list so I could perfect it to a T. As we would peel away the days on the Advent calender those final days seemed to take forever. Christmas Eve the evening hours seemed to morph into weeks as we lie await as long as we could hoping the anticipation would bring Christmas morning here faster

Aside from the birth of our children, I don't recall ever waiting with such fervor as I and my beloved have in the past year. We're created quite a vortex of intention. It is nearly all we talk about. As weeks became months however, I began to have a hard time thinking about it and just needed to focus on the day to day. Then slowly he realized that made it easier to wait as well. And although our anticipation has not waivered, it has begun to be tucked away if only for our own day to day sanity and mental and physical preservation and restoration.

It can be so exhausting waiting.

Are you waiting?

I know our beloved children are waiting in their own way for things in their heart.

I know my beloved Spiritual mentor and teacher is waiting.

I feel at this hour my faith is being tested. Oh sure, it has been tested before and I have passed with flying colors. The alternative always just seems to dark an alternative for me no matter what I have faced. Both my parents dying and my husbands heart attack being hardest among them. The loss of my profession after decades of success is not far behind. But, I am blessed to say that my faith is just a deep, integral part of me. When I make a determination that i need to pray more or begin a new spiritual ritual into my life, usually from my Catholicism...it's just me being me. When I began speaking of the Light, The Holy Spirit, Spirit, The Angels, Jesus, Mary Magdalene or any form of faith it's just me being me. I could easily be not just a spiritual counselor to those who suffer but a Preacher up on a hill.

I guess what I am saying is - not only is my and my husbands, faith STEADFAST, there is often FERVOR in my faith.

It really doesn't matter to me now to share with you just yet WHAT it is we are waiting for...more that we have been sitting here... waiting. I don't think waiting with our exact plans in place for over a year is being impatient. I do feel our faith is being tested and so with it has come periods of obvious frustration and sadness as I grow weary and impatient. Waiting has such a rich context in faith.

Because I am clair-sentinent and a very intuitive person, the frustratiion grows when I do not know a single reason of what the hell is going on and why we are waiting so long. Other reasons given by loved ones or friends or my teachers...wait, there are little to none of those reasons. The reason our daughter gave us was attended to. Listen, the Holy Spirit is capable of ANYTHING. ANYTHING. So reasons are really mostly mute in my heart.

Once, when my husband and I were very young and newly married we were were exploring the North Shore of Lake Superior. This was pre- cell phones. Pre- internet and all that. We had a physical map and we were trying to find the "Sawtooth Mountain" or perhaps it was plural I don't recall. There weren't many other notable landmarks on the map other than Lake Superior and few small towns. It was getting dark and we were still playful and adventurous but a little perplexed and feeling slightly defeated. It wasn't until at that exact moment of contemplating defeat that clarity sunk in. We were sitting in the car up high from the great Lake. "Wait a minute. This IS it. We are IN it. All of this IS the Sawtooth mountains! We've been driving in it all along!" And THAT is what I am come to today....that like it or lump it this incessant WAITING is part of our sacred holy journey we have embarked on now. We are to attend to the feelings that come from waiting, waiting, WAITING! We are to attend to the not knowing. And to Trust. And to not only be okay with the waiting but to be JOYFUL in the waiting. Grateful in the Now as we wait. Another way to put it is... Embrace the suck Ha! Can you do that?

I had a reading with my beloved mentor last week. I have about 2-3 a year and it is like a life raft at sea. I approached it with a cynicism so sharp I laughed at my snarkiness. "Okay God...let me guess, all the good things I've prayed for are going to be RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER I PRESUME? JUST LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 2 DECADES AM I RIGHT?" and then as the reading prayer began, I settled myself down to a dull roar of "Geez, your problems are really trivial, you have SO much to be thankful for of course, stop with the snarkiness, it's just the Dark, you got this!" and my guides and spiritual teachers came through to an exact time line of 10 to 15 days. Pray together, hands cupped by your hearts for 10 to 15 days"

This is day 7

We are praying and anticipating not with snarkiness but great reverance and anticipation but also yes, trepidation.

We are tired. And weary. And ready. We joyously believe our prayers are heard.

What are YOU waiting for?

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

One constant is change.

Checking in after year and half! Wow! How did THAT happen? I went to dig up an old post and realized so much dust has collected here while life marches on. But I miss writing. It's so therapeutic. I went through so much in this year and half. My daughter left for college last fall after a normal but tumultuous summer. It really wrecked me to have her leave so abruptly and then be so independent once she had left. I think it made her more homesick to talk with us too. My son and I went to visit her within a month to bring her keyboard to her and I could see she was still a child in the throes of freedom but so exhausted. It was comforting to see her but it didn't help much. I wanted to bring her back with me and give her chicken noodle soup and lots of hugs. She mentioned she isn't sure she could have made it had we not come and that is not like her to say! Fierce and independent. It gave her the excuse to stop for a moment and catch her breath. It gave her the space she needed to collapse and sleep and that's largely what she did for the weekend in our hotel room. I washed her clothes at a laundromat and was happy to help her in any way. The BFA program she was in was very rigorous much like a conservatory and certainly like graduate school. It reminded me of my husbands masters and doctorate program which is daunting for an 18 year old. Most of the other "freshman" were in their 20's as well. If you wanted to have SOME free time or fun... sleep was optional. We went again this time with my husband for "family weekend" a few weeks later, trekking the 450 miles one way. We had many plans to check out a beautiful state park few hours away and shopping and hiking but she was exhausted once again. So, we were content for a small simple birthday celebration for my husband and her Daddy at restaurant of her choosing inviting her new boyfriend along as well. That was largely the extent of our excursions save a quick trip to thrift store and department store for few of her needs and pit stop to her favorite coffee shop. She showed us library where she worked and it was evident she was exhausted. Back at the hotel I encouraged her to rest her head a bit and she was out on her Dad's shoulder within minutes. Independence is hard work! Who needs sleep! Back home, I was still adjusting to the super quiet house as my boys are very much home bodies and she is always going a mile a minute. She's my go to for a concert or a play or any shopping any time! I've heard you go through a grieving process and that's understatement of the year. I didn't even grieve that much when my Dad passed away! I suppose as a Mom you grieve many things when it's first child leaving and not just the child not being at home. How it seems I was just holding their hands for a walk. How she used to burst into the car after school and share every last detail of the drama that had unfolded while you talked it out together. How she rarely had interest in boys but once she had one she fell hard and fast and he was the one she now shared everything with. How you once didn't annoy her at all! These things seep in on the quiet nights. But Pride seeps in too. We raise our children to be independent after all do we not? I tried to talk myself into this many nights. I've never been a crier and it used to frustrate me to no end. I want a good cry I'd think to myself. Well, in just a few months I made up for years of not crying in one sad movie or death of my father or so many other sad changes or news given to me. It was if the flood gates opened up. Energetically we are just very woven together she and I. It has always been this way with her and I. She's very different from me and I celebrate that but perhaps she resents that but there is a Ying and a Yang with us so I think in some respects her being gone felt like unfinished business to work that all out. One constant in life is of course, Change. But it's the very subtle change that occasionally grasps and rattles you a bit. Those teen years do that. Small independence and freedom given bit by bit and then suddenly they are able to live all on their own just like that. She came back for Christmas and it began to be unclear whether she would continue in the program she was in. Constant physical exhaustion is no way to live! She finished out the year but it became more and more evident as the issues began to mount beyond the exhaustion. Yet to see her become cum laud and handle it all with amazing Grace really filled our hearts with pride. She did it all on her own and it's time for the change that allows for her to go be free. She is home now with us until Spring and this has given me exceptional time with her that I will be forever grateful for. I would have never expected it either so with it came the lesson that we never know what's in store but we must trust and be present of all good things. Our time with her living here is short as is our time with our son who is a senior and awaiting word at his college choices. But I grieve this change less now and look forward for the transitions it brings and allows. I'm grateful my Mom is still with us. Now living in a Memory care unit. That took a great deal of grieving and acceptance as well. That's certainly been the theme of this past year, year and half. I no longer try to understand it and I just relish the time I have with her. I have worked hard not only to naturally heal of my anxieties from my father's death and her illness but also to remove all guilt of what has unfolded for her and certainly for time I am able to go see her. It is difficult to go see her now when she is unable to speak normal and coherent sentences but I still find the essence of her every time. I know we can speak without words. With our eyes and our smile and our hugs. I am grateful she is in the same town with me. I'm grateful she is in a wonderful facility that provides great food and care. And I'm grateful she is still here on earth. This mutes all grief. And so in this time of advent we know at any moment something magical can occur and something jarring can occur. Change. Sometimes it is swift and sometimes it is a slow unfoldment. I have come to believe that its the seemingly "normal" period in between where the real transformation happens. Don't look back with melancholy or regret. Don't spend all your days planning ahead. It is best to grab a floatie and just take deep breaths and allow what's to come to come all the while being present to all that is around us. Meanwhile, great leader has emerged on the U.S. political front so I'll be posting to bring you up to date with this important development in the coming weeks. Can you guess who it is? Blessed be you and yours.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Old me...I'm comin for ya!

It's been 5 years this July since Dad's been gone.
I like to remember the no anxiety me before. More and more as of late. 5 years is a long time. My kids weren't teenagers or adults heading off to college.
The old me rocked! The one who when my 8 year old son Adam was hit in the head with a baseball coming in at 85 mph, calmly stroked his head while the medic ran full on at us. I think I was the steadiest person in that stadium suite with him crying and his sister crying. I left a message for my husband to meet us at the ER to to get a MRI and I was calm as a stone. Then there was the time my son was 4 and slipped on the bathtub edge and broke his collarbone and screamed so loud so long I think folks in neighboring state could hear it! As we waited in the waiting room of the ER, I put my calm into my son with energy healing and slow breathing and he actually conked out and napped hard on my shoulder leaving a sweat spot! The Dr. came in confused and then convinced that it couldn't possibly be a broken collarbone if he was sleeping. X ray showed it was indeed broken. The real me was the one who always joked with my Dad before his heart surgeries over the years rather than fret over it. That me also usually encouraged the kids to "Jump!" or "Climb it!" Usually. I've always hated trampolines and that one was always a solid steady no.
Thinking back tonight I marveled that I was the one who calmed my Mom when Dad was trying to be revived. Me! He had been moved out of ICU and aside from having difficulty sleeping seemed to be doing well and in good spirits. Mom caught me the morning of before anyone else. A phone call interrupted a voice work session I was in with the message to come quick to the hospital, Dad isn't doing well. My mind raced a little on my way over "not doing well how?" I wondered pretty calmly and prayed. I got to his room and it was full code blue with flight staff and nurses jumping him. I felt the room spin and couldn't find Mom. I left the room so I wouldn't faint and found her in family room alone and spent next half hour or so consoling her while a nurse updated us and then other family arrived. I was a bit frantic in trying to reach my husband Paul as I hadn't told him anything other than to pick up the kids at school and wait for my word. I couldn't reach him but really the me now would have been far more erratic I thought today while clipping my rose bush.
In an instant it was like I never had time to process myself. I've suffered situational anxiety since. Medical situations generally or the impending threat of them. Soon after my Dad died, Paul went in for a fractured foot and had a serious high blood pressure situation unexpectedly. Soon after that, my now teenage daughter Hannah was tubing at a friends lake and suffered a bad concussion. It took months to recover if not a year and she still has headaches and a weak hand grip. In addition to all that, my Mom's health rapidly declined after Dad's death and I spent enormous amounts of time her helping her downsize and move. Worse, I had to watch her instantly go from the Rock of Gibraltar in my life to a fragile tulip in the wind. I literally had never seen the woman cry before! Then I went in to the Dr. myself for something else and we talked about it. And she said goodness this is normal for what you've been through. She did an assessment. Labeled it. That helped. A little. My BP was high likely from being so anxious. Strong me has hated it and wants to conquered it. Sure, I have never had to be on medication. But, I despise that it changed me.
I fortunately haven't had to see a Dr. for years. I've seen free BP clinics here and there and wanted to conquer it all so badly in this symbolic way. My now 16 year old son, I can hear him in my head coaching me "Mom just do it! Seriously what's worst thing that could happen?" But, then I convince myself that I'm jittery so my BP will be high and when it's high that will cause me to freak out.
Lately old me has been poppin out a bit more. And I like it. After all, I was the one who recently encouraged my daughter Hannah, at age 17, to fly to NYC on her own. My Dad did stuff like that. Powerful and empowering and scary as hell but so great to get you to stand on your own two feet. She did it beautifully too. And the other day when I lost my wedding ring stone unexpectedly, while definitely sad I didn't see point of fretting over it. We're together and blessed to be in love and that's all that matters. Yet anxiety-me pops up just enough to say "I'm not going anywhere!" Reading about the bears before our hikes on our recent vacation to Glacier National Park in Montana was a logical thing to do I figured but instead of being thrilled to see one, I was nervous. Old me would have been excited! I was a bit jumpy when we saw a young adult grizzly across the lake. I bonded with another mother who was nervous about it in corner. But old me would have been fist pumpin fired up and getting in the lake to nearest driftwood to get a closer look where the kids were but still safe.
Today I just decided 5 years is enough. I miss the old me. My daughter's leaving in few months and old me hasn't been around enough since she was 13. It's just a matter of grabbing the rose until the thorns aren't even a bother. It's just too beautiful to matter. And yes, it strikes at unknown times but if you envelope your world with joy and silliness all the bad stuff shrinks. I am working now with some really calm, joyful, huggy people. It's amazing how that has really helped expand the love and goodness instead of all the stress. Stress that wasn't just my Dad's death but two bankruptcies in 10 years, several enormous job losses with loss of 90% of our income, foreclosures that were staved off. All kinds of boogie-man-things that could justify anxiety. But time passes quickly. Life moves swiftly like it or lump it. And it just makes me want to go all in on joy. It's all about how you want to be defined. I don't want any complaining or worry to crowd out the laughter.
I want my legacy to be laughter.
I choose joy.
Let's see if this works.
Old me... I'm comin for ya!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Why do I need all this stuff?

I love it when all the pieces fall together for me to write and connect with you again. The kids are off with friends. I rested well and am awake bright eyed and bushy tailed. My husband is generously giving away a piece of his weekend after a long week by working all day for a co-worker who's father is very ill. A great testament to the kind of man he is. This all gives me the space to sit down and write out some of the new thoughts that are bouncing around in between my ears.

First, let's take a snapshot look at where we are at already. Late March?! Mother Nature tells us here in the Red River Valley that it is still winter. Even early winter. With lows around 8 below this week and huge snow piles on our lawns. But, the calender says March and with that we know warmer temperatures (and perhaps flooding) are just around the bend.

I don't know about you but I like the energy of 2013 so far. Bye-bye topsy turvy "How far will I fall this time?!" Hello "What shall I manifest in this gorgeous world I live in?"

I find myself caught in the middle of my lifeline. Both in the logical, linear sense because I just turned 47 years old and am inching ever so close to that big age mile marker that screams "old" to me. And in a spiritual sense, looking back without pain but sheer observation and looking ahead with curiosity as opposed to dread or dismay. Birthdays will do that to a person. But losing and caring for aging parent will as well. 4 years ago, my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack at age of 69. And ever since my mother has been spiraling downward from variety of emotional, mental and physical ailments. A her strength and courage never cease to amaze me. A year after his death, she left a huge colonial home she rented with my father for over 10 years and moved into a very small apartment that she grew to love. She is now is preparing to move again into a room about the size of small dorm room. It is very daunting and sterile to her. I'm trying to paint the picture for her of the glorious view on the sunsets up on the fourth floor facing west and of plants growing on the slight window ledge with her big bright window but inside often as weary as she is about this role reversal. She says she's grown to love her little 2 bedroom apartment but as I sit with her I tell her what good is an apartment filled with all this stuff that you no longer have use for really? Take the most precious things and be carefree with a small bookshelf and TV and spend your days outside your door visiting new friends and sitting down to 3 delicious meals that you didn't have to cook! But just as new day of school can be scary too, she is uncertain & shy. But, until she moves, I'm clearing the path of all that is good. Here's to new friends and great meals! A twin bed with new quilt and linens is far more cozy when you can bring your dog along than a big empty King anyway right? Makes me seem very Pollyanna but more and more in my heart...I also know it to be true and so does she.

We start off on our journey as adults with so little. We kiss our parents goodbye as we grab maybe a box or two from our room or whatever we can cram into our car. I moved right in to the world at 18 with little more than a box full of clothes. Looking back I so wished I wouldn't have. We have our whole life to work! What the hell was I thinking?! Mom & I hit up a few rummage sales to find me a sofa love seat, a table, and a few ugly pictures to throw up on the wall. I was just so thrilled to have my own place! That lasted about a week before lonliness crept in.
Looking at the empty room that Mom will be moving in in a few months, I immediately thought of a college dorm room and the irony of how full circle life can be. Because my husband and I moved so much in our struggles and adventures together, and because of our enduring hardship, I've never really grown accustomed to having an unusual amount of stuff. Even now, with two very social teenagers, we live in s small twin home with one small, open living space area and our bedrooms. You learn to limit what you hang on to for your own sanity. My Mom is 73 and now needing to get her mind healthy again and uncluttered all the while the metaphor unfolds around her physical reality as well.

Spirit asked me to share with you to take an objective look around your garage, your home, your office, your car, your purse and ask yourself "Why do I need all this stuff?" "What is my attachment to it?" "Is it helping me on my journey?" "Does it make my journey easier or harder?" Go through every nook and cranny and purge a thing or two! See how it good it feels. Give away a book that's collecting dust. Zip through the sweatshirts to pick out 2 or 3 favorites and give the others to a battered women's shelter. Don't worry about the guilt of all those things in the corner you meant to fix just toss them or fix them already.

Now is a great time energetically to clear through the emotional attachment of your stuff and make way for not necessarily new stuff but a new way of being and traveling light. It really is the exact opposite of how we are trained to live in America. And you would do well to unschool that way of thinking to strive to a more streamlined, simple, free way of Being. This is what Spirit has shown me through the eyes of Mom's transition and has asked me to write and share with you. Peace be with you.

Friday, February 01, 2013

Winter of your contentment

It was a crisp -18 below this morning and temperatures have slowly risen to 1 above with a calm wind after a brisk wind chill of 25 below this afternoon.

The crunch of the snow and creak of the car door with fingers crossed that car engines will start give away to a normal winter day in Fargo save running the car a bit more when driving to and fro and a few more layers of clothing to stay a bit warmer.

The cold has a way of bringing out the warmth in everyone as cars sit running at stores unlocked all over town without being driven away by anyone and strangers help push cars that have gotten hung up on a snow drift en route to or from work. You would think the cold would shorten the life span of any human being yet once again we top the longevity list in America up here. May be hard to figure out for other folks who think we are all a bit crazy or as we call it in my home state of Minnesohhhta "Looney Tunes." But really it's got to be that warmth of our good natured community and the sense of gratitude one has of simple pleasures on such a bitterly cold winter day.

You'll face your mortality real quick if you stand outside even in a brief walk to the mailbox on a day such as this. And you'll give thanks that you have a car to get to and from work so you don't have to stand at the bus stop as some do. You'll give thanks maybe a few times a day that you have a warm home to come home to. And you'll perhaps sip on the coziest, most delicious cup of cocoa or coffee when you come in and dry off and thaw out after shoveling or snow blowing the sidewalk.

You'll also find yourself chuckling when you bop outside to brush off the car or see if it will start in your pajamas in the morning or a light sweatshirt. Or catch yourself basking in and gazing out the window appreciating the breathtaking sight after the snow falls each and every time. Marveling at the beauty of the sparkling white blanket that surrounds you. And the white lined bare trees that turn everything in to a magical forest.

Oh sure, it can get a little frustrating in the winters that we've gotten over 30 inches of snow and cold snaps of below zero go on for two three days in a row and the car gives out here and there needing a "Jump" with a service call or a call to a friend who has jumper cables leaves you late for an appointment. But far more the beauty and the gratitude take hold of you. Far more the cold winter nights cause you to find solace and immense gratitude over a blanket and a crackling fire.

It's a great metaphor for where we are going. The secrets to shedding all our baggage...all the stuff that no longer serves us

Now is the time to bask in the simple pleasures of life

To be in gratitude.

To be in community and compassion of helping others.

Agree to Disagree and put our differences aside. Embrace our commonalities

Find a chuckle in the absurdity of it all

Believe in all that you can manifest now and just forget and what was or has been that did not or has not worked

Make this tranformation not the winter of your discontent....but the winter of your contentment

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Relax. Be.

Happy New Year and Epiphany! I hope this finds you grounded in the New Year of 2013 ready to face a year filled with infinite abundance of all the things you love!

Each New Year ushers in New Energy of course as we attempt to close the book on the Year that has just passed then turn to face a New Year with renewed Hope. That is... after the initial shock of having reached the end of another year in what seems like faster than ever before and in record "time"

This Shift seems particularly true this year with the crescendo of 12/12/12 and 12/21/2012 passageways.

I've been in a place of reading others spiritual musings far less for several years now and in the past few weeks of the New Year it has dwindled down to not reading anything else aside from an occasional Tweet or Status posting on Facebook and even then just a few seconds contemplation is given. It's just too hard to be Present with feet planted in the Now with so many forecasts and even snapshots of what is taking place on a etheric or galactic level. It isn't much different with my spiritual gifts either. I find I'm in a place akin to my driving routine of turning the radio off and running errands or to and fro work in the blissful silence of the car...quieting even my thoughts as I go. Perhaps it's a slight case of cognitive dissonance as well but it feels as if it's the best place to be right now for me. I wonder if you are feeling the same? (Feel free to share in comments) The only place this feels like one piece of the puzzle is missing is in my spiritual work but I'll be honest....it's also a benefit that I do not have a large client base at the moment. I largely leave it up to Spirit and it feels like when the right time comes I will be busy enough but for now is good to have the time to just Be. And yes, I DO see the irony in the fact that I'm even writing this in the hopes it will help someone. And Tweeting and Posting on Facebook. In fact, it makes me giggle a little.

It's again, more about being grounded here in the linear world, focusing solely on my "stuff" and no one else's reality and a practice in staying Present. The more I read of another spiritual colleague or religious digestion of the state of humanity the more my IAM says "Turn it off"

To me Scripture speaks to not only the Mayan end of Age but Revelations in 3 sentences.

"Heaven and Earth will disappear, but my words remain forever. But no one knows the date and hour when the end will be- not even the angels. Nor even God's son. Only the Father knows"

This has been confirmed by my very gifted spiritual mentors who are humorously unaware of that passage. "We are discovering in our meditation that no one knows what will happen next except God. Not even our guides or the Angels"

At a glance, I see teachings of encouragement to stay positive at all times, in social media and with whomever we encounter or interact with. And of course, I believe it is crucial in raising vibration of the planet by always coming from a place of Love, the highest of all vibrations. But, we the peacemakers must be careful not to mute ourselves so much so as to not shine Light where it needs to shine. So much energy has shifted in the past few months from my speaking Truth to family members or colleagues or friends or in my social media posts with just right amount of tempered anger (passion), discernment and love. We are seeing this play out nationally with our politicians inability to get along and with the tragedy at Sandy Hook elementary and our gun control debate. We must be steadfast in being peaceful, but not complacent or apathetic.

As always, our greatest challenged awakened ones is to be Patient because we don't know. No matter your or my spiritual gifts, that is how it is intended. And like you, I'm growing weary of waiting but impatience and frustration will not lead us the other side of the New Earth. Intertwined with this is to trust, because it can be so sad to look all around us and see so many loved ones transition, to see hardship, violence, and things that are of THIS world which is imperfect and not of the Kingdom. Especially if you are empathic like I am. It can be hard emotionally just to take any of it in. Trust also removes our fear of the unknown. Fear puts us instantly in a lower vibration and we are fed it 24/7 in our society right now with information on everything to the flu, the food we eat, or the debt of our nation.

Don't take it all too seriously. There is a Divine orchestra underway and you are an important instrument with many notes in this beautiful symphony. You merely need to Love and Be and when you see injustice, sound your trumpets bravely but peacefully.
You haven't nor will you miss a turn. The Father already has you going the right way so relax, enjoy yourself in this journey. Find young children to laugh and play with if you feel yourself taking it all too seriously.

The last 10 years and especially the last two have been so difficult and cathartic but you must know dear Ones that you are blessed to be here Now and that you are no longer a caterpillar.

You are already a butterfly.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas!

Blessings to you and your family. This is a re-share from a Christmas 2010 post. Remember...Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind.

I came upon a terrific book on this holiest of days called Revelation of the Magi, by Brent Landau, it is a lengthy narrative that claims to be the personal testimony of the Magi themselves, the Three Kings, on the events of Christ's coming. Though versions of this legend were well known in Christian Europe throughout the Middle Ages, this book presents the first-ever complete English translation of the Revelation of the Magi. The description of the Star was particularly detailed and powerful

Excerpt from the Introduction to Revelation of the Magi

The Magi -- usually known as the "Three Wise Men" or "Three Kings" -- are easily the most famous of the visitors who appear at Jesus's birth in the Gospel accounts of the Christmas story. Despite their great fame, however, there is only one short passage in the New Testament that tells of the Magi, and this account is remarkably vague about these figures, in Matthew chapter 2, verses 1 through 12.

Amid a wide range of early Christian speculation on the Magi -- apocryphal Gospels, hymns, sermons, mosaics, wood carvings, and sculptures on sarcophagi -- one composition is particularly impressive and yet surprisingly unknown. Called the Revelation of the Magi, it is a lengthy narrative that claims to be the personal testimony of the Magi themselves on the events of Christ's coming. Though versions of this legend were well known in Christian Europe throughout the Middle Ages, this book presents the first-ever complete English translation of the Revelation of the Magi.

Appearance of the Star to the Magi

And we saw [text missing] in the form of an ineffable pillar of light descending, and it came to rest above the water. And we were afraid and shook when we saw it. And we cannot speak about the brilliance of the star of light, since its radiance was many times greater than the sun, and the sun could not stand out before the light of its rays. And just like the moon looks in the daytime in the days of Nisan, when the sun rises and it is absorbed in its light, so also did the sun seem to us when the star rose over us. And the light of the star, which surpassed the sun, appeared to us ourselves and the sons of our mysteries, but it did not appear to anyone else, because they were removed from its mysteries and its coming. And we rejoiced, and glorified, and gave unmeasured thanks to the Father of heavenly majesty that it appeared in our days and we were thought worthy to see it.

The Miraculous Journey

And the star, our guide, our good messenger, our perfect light, our glorious leader, again appeared for us, going before us and upholding our whole caravan from all sides, and enlightening us by its hidden light. And we had no need of the light of the sun or of the moon, because their light became diminished in its sight, and by night and by day we walked in its light, exulting and rejoicing without distress or weariness. And it prepared before us a blessed dwelling place in which to reside while we rested and exulted. Even our provisions were abundant in our eyes and did not decrease, but rather from one day to another they increased when it came to rest over us with its light. And it gave rest to us from all our fatigue as if we were not journeying on the road, and it made mountains, and hills, and rugged places level before us. Even the rivers before us we crossed by foot without fear, because of the light of our good guide that went along with us for our encampment. And again, when we crossed into the places [of beasts and vicious snakes,] we trampled them with our feet. And our leader and our guide, in his glory, appeared to each one of us in all forms and appearances in every (stage). And he filled our hearts with great joy, and all the (stages) in which we journeyed were short and swift in our eyes, because our victorious sign and our powerful light, which is beyond every human mouth to speak, guided us with its victorious strength.

This light guides us all. Not just on this magical night of wonder and birth- or now for us REBIRTH, but each and every day of our lives. The light is all around us, turning mountains into plains, turning dark skies into sun, rain showers into rainbows. Our job is to see it all around us. And to Believe. And Behold the Power of this Source, maker of heavens and earth, and all that is seen and unseen. Whether it was this exact day or not is irrevelent, on this day we celebrate, God became one of us, perhaps to understand the common aches and pains of humanity, "pitching his tent" among us, as John's Gospel says.

the Light that is with and all around us always. We just have to feel and shine that light outward and see it in all those around us, the two legged and the four legged, the winged and Mother Earth who provides us our Home.

Better yet, just Be the Light,always!

Blessings to you this magical Season! Always believe in the Light!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

We're all still here!

Well we are all still here!

Was there ever any doubt? If there was... take a good, hard look at that fear or doubt and RELEASE IT now and forever more. It isn't the Emergence to nowhere or the Emergence to the great big Poof! It's the Emergence to the New Earth. More on that later. Much more.

Much as I'd love to have been sharing the musings of the Emergence here with you all more often my routine and the recipe of my daily life often has kept me from it. For so long now my beloved mother needs me more than I ever imagined she would. She has been ill mentally & physically and really just a shell of who she was for all of the three years my father has been on the other side. We sure miss him! And in so many ways, miss her as well. But it's always darkest before the dawn and I'm filled with a new sense of hope that there is some resolve very near for her one way or another. Mix in two busy and brilliant teenagers who continue to shine & amaze me beyond words as well as keep me on my toes! Our son Adam, 14 soon to be 15 is always consistent in his contentment with life and his compassion toward me and others...even his big sister. He enjoys writing more and more exploring new games on his PS3 and XBOX 360 one of which let's him "build things" and is revealing a knack for architecture and design. He has bravely made new friendships that are more suited to him and his immense creativity and intellect is always present. He is as my spiritual mentors call him "Master Adam" in every aspect of his life. Empathic like me, he is learning the way in the world with the mastery of someone two and three times his age. Our daughter Hannah, 16 continues to compose and now perform original music draped in a blanket of humility and grace. She recently did a show at a coffee house with very little time to prepare due to her role in the school musical and performed 5 original songs in breathtaking fashion. I was of course nervous for her but from moment she sat at the keyboard and smiled with ease and then revealed the new arrangements to the delight of the packed, cozy crowd...I was speechless and tears trickled down my face. The songs are so catchy I'll find myself humming them in my head and then go "wait...that's my girl's song!" So wild. She is the master manifester in our house and is driven toward that which she wants more than anyone I have known young or old. Her spiritual gifts continue to be both challenging and a remarkable part of who she is yet understandably closely guarded. She is also enjoying her first year singing soprano/alto in her school's select ensemble. She delights in the very challenging material singing in English, German, Hebrew and Italian! After a very busy Christmas season of concerts and caroling she will now be preparing for regional and state competitions. This is her first year of being partially home schooled and it has brought immense calm and order to our house. Last but certainly not least, is my husband of 21 years, Paul. He is the seed of all that is perfection in my life. All the roots of gratitude intertwine back to him. His new job is in the linear world of heating/cooling but with a great group of people. Small and locally owned it is just what we needed and just in time as always. Together we are facing a tumultuous and daunting amount of financial paperwork to hopefully once again and once and for all put the past behind us toward a fresh start. Friends feel heartbroken for us for having to go through this again, but I say cheer up Charlie! It feels wonderful to have a clear path out of the swampy, murky woods. We face it as we always do, with a sense of humor and resolve to get where we are going. He continues to do long distance work as a reiki master and occasionally in person work as well. He too feels a longing to do more of that work but all in Divine timing

I continue to do voice work and radio work in the linear world as well from 9 to 4 despite it being the quietest it has been in 9 years. Perhaps you are feeling this as well. As if you have one foot in the past, but something greater awaits you still. That really is the times we are in. My heart still pulls me to do more spiritual work in form of readings & writing but I no longer worry about driving the boat to one direction or another. The tide will take me where I need to go when I need and how I need to.

I can at least answer the call to write more often. I've dusted off and came across too many requesting that not to! And so that is my Christmas & New Years gift and intent to you all. I promise.
As a reminder, you can also like my new Facebook page "Great Emergence" or follow me on twitter "Great Emergence"
May your days be merry and bright. May all your troubles fade into light. May you remember that you are loved. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are all the radiance of the same Star. We are the ones we've been waiting for. Be present. Stand stall. Fear not. Let's go hand in hand across the bridge over to the New Earth and all we are capable of.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

"The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light." Romans 13:12

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Transitions. Autumnal Equinox of 2012

Back in November/December 2011 NASA confirmed the discovery of the first Earth-like planet outside the solar system – "Kepler-22b". Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue does it?

Just this month a newly discovered alien planet was announced that may now be one of the top contenders to support life beyond Earth. The newfound world, a "super Earth" called Gliese 163c, lies at the edge of its star's habitable zone.

And while there is remarkable movement up above in the stars and galaxies beyond our world, there is the same sometimes inexplicable shifting going on right in front of our nose as well.

Perhaps the most visible, timeless & profoundly simple and sacred change comes in both the Autumnal Equinox and the Vernal or Spring Equinox. I am so grateful to live in Fargo, North Dakota where the stark changing of the seasons dances before our eyes with a consistency and almost magical transformation each and very year as time marches on.

The Autumnal Equinox 2012 today is juxtaposed as were all the others before it for those of us that meditate and are sensitives, with great anticipation and a keen sense of "Warning! Cliff just up ahead!" We can point at the cliff. We can sit and contemplate what is beyond the cliff. Or we can at the very least try to understand why or when we have reached the cliff. But it is in the sharp blustery winds of Fall that we at least know we will indeed reach it sooner rather than later and that we must remain steadfast to the hope of a New world emerging beneath our feet of freshly fallen leaves. We know shorter days & harsher weather soon will be here but with it a crackling fire, a warm blanket & a cup of soup as well.

So what is the State of the changes on the Planet beneath all these newly discovered planets?

A Presidential Election arrives in 45 salient days. A Presidential Election in and of itself always bring an exceptional shift in the collective consciousness. The United States is seemingly more divided than it has ever been. When I attempt to tune in to the Election, as an Empath, it is very visceral and typically an unpleasant experience. We will do well as Americans to not engage in negative, polarizing behavior. You know the saying "If you can't find something nice to say, don't say anything at all" It isn't always easy but it is vital in shifting the collective consciousness from a divided place to a more unified place. We The People need to turn away from the safer path of cynism. Do your part and Vote & tell others to Vote. Like everything that is seismic right now both in the collective and in our own lives I see this could go one of two very stark and different ways. Dozens of bills have erected new barriers to voting. The illuminations of the Past were great learning lessons that were purposefully and lovingly handed over to us. We would do well to Remember. If we do not even choose to participate the choice is not ours at all. If we turn out in mass & it's still taken away from us in the continuing Saga of our Sovereignty then we must stand up and take it back.

The world's economies are on the brink we all know that. Teetering back and forth from either a vast renewal or a repeat of the same pitfalls with even graver consequences. "When people get at each others throat, the rich and the poor and the left and the right and so on, and you have a basic breakdown, that becomes very threatening," Ray Dalio, who founded Bridgewater Associates recently told CNBC anchor Andrew Ross Sorkin. Adding "For example, Hitler came to power in 1933, which was the depth of the Great Depression because of the social tension between the factions." Dalio also warned that "another leg down in the economies" could cause "social disruptions," but did note that citizens can prevent the rise of another Hitler if they "work through this together."

Dalio, is not the only financier worried about social unrest. George Soros is another billionaire who has repeatedly warned of the possibility of social unrest as governments around the world slash spending even as unemployment remains high.

And as if all that wasn't enough in a mere 91 days it will be the end of the Mayan Calender. As a tide of fear for so many and hope for the rest of us, rises and sets on this conspicuous date for the collective consciousness.

Change is inevitable. The more profound and prevailing feeling with this Equinox, especially with all the transitions going on in the galactic, national, international & often most challenging: personal plane, is that we do not know where we are headed. We do not know what's next. But there is a deep profound feeling that it will be systemic change beyond our ability to comprehend.

Be still. Trust the Great River has it's Pace & it's Direction. Let Go & Do not be afraid. Do what you can with where you are at. Within each of us we have the choice to leave old habits behind and walk away from all that no longer serves us. Some are up for that task. Others are opting to leave the physical form to find peace and eternal life in a far less difficult place.

The leaves turning and falling is inevitable. But so is their glorious sacred return in the Spring. Be mindful of that in the coming months.

Saturday, September 08, 2012


Those that face which is actually before them, unburdened by the past, undistracted by the future, these are they who live, who make the best use of their lives,these are those who have found the secret of contentment. - Allan Goodier.

As we entered the latest Mercury retrograde in Cancer there was a very evident surge of summing up. Everywhere you look. Everyone is emotionally summing up that which has loose ends. And Illumination is once again happening to determine...what are we...what am I...going to do about THIS?

That has been the case energetically for many years now but in these weeks it is at what feels like has the potential to be a crescendo.

The mind relays things that are occurring in my life....in the life of others and the world and it says "Yes, but I've been here before. Many times. And it wasn't resolved then so who's to say this isn't just like before?"

Well...ultimately it remains to be seen. Once again, as before, it's up to us. It's up to the collective.

If you are like me and try to avoid all news...which is even easier to do now that we've pulled the cable TV plug. It is also all but impossible lately to avoid the nudges Spirit is throwing out there. There is financial corruption and crisis all over the globe. To the point of being quite literally close to total collapse in Spain, Greece, throughout Europe. Billion dollar loses continue at some of our major financial institutions now 3 years later with little reform. Massive wildfires raging across the country along with a drought that is gripping 23 states in the U.S. and sending food prices soaring. Our nation continues to be at war with tensions building in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people in South Africa and Blue Nile are at risk of starvation because the Sudanese government is blocking food and humanitarian aid.

Just to name a few.

And so how do we get through it personally? On the personal level of those around me it is not just crisis but uncertainty or upheaval or merely just restlessness.

I always dial way back to just my self. If I can be centered and calm in this transition it serves the greater good. I may not be able to control all the outer chaos but I can control that. In my perspective, I'm caring for my Mother who has been sick for some time now, covering the financial dam as per usual nothing too extraordinarily different aside from observing the crime rise in our community, watching the lawn grown brown from lack of rain & feeling a bit frustrated with the lack of real movement in the Emergence....in getting where we are going!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

It's all part of the greater purpose of where we're going.

I've developed a persistent case of pink eye. Medication for it was $185. Our insurance no longer covers prescriptions. Really? This teeny wheeny bottle of medicine costs me $185? I asked them to call Optometrist for a generic prescription. That cost $24 and worked just fine. My Mom got an inhaler for her persistent bronchitis this week as well. That was $108 after her medicaid coverage. So many complaining about a small tax that a mere 1% will even have to pay for the Affordable Care Act? What is wrong with everybody?

Seriously. Why are we fighting progress for the better good with such vigor?

I have to believe it's all part of the greater purpose of where we're going. Which is toward organic foods and natural tried and true remedies my grandparents used for a small fraction of the cost of harmful prescription drugs. Sure, there's a place for antibiotics. But now we need probiotics to combat all the antibiotics! And 95% of the rest of prescriptions cause more side effects and harm than what they are being prescribed to treat. Not to mention the financial hardship. Our daughter developed a pesky cyst on her upper eyelid. For months it wouldn't go away and became awkward and sightly at an age where that is so devastating amongst nosey peers fascinated with her new imperfections. We took her in to the Dr. several times with little answers then to the Opthamologist who suggested two options. One...an incision to drain the cyst. In patient same day surgery where they localize the eye with a needle. She's afraid of not much in this world but needles is one of them. The other was to put her under anesthesia and do same day surgery on it with pamphlet of risks for anesthesia at her age. She cried but wanted it done and opted for the local. She passed out from the clamp openings of her eye and the needle coming at it. It was very expensive procedure but was fortunately covered by insurance and it did absolutely nothing to eliminate the cyst. We returned to the eye Dr. and she said next step would be medicine shot into her eye that had a slight risk of blindness! Um, no! Easy decision! A holistic friend I respect said to warm up castor oil and dab on it few times a day. "It will take a while but it will work." And it did. Talking with my Mom she said they always had a bottle of castor oil on hand. Bottle cost me $12 and I still have it 9 months later. So perhaps this is why it has to get worse before it gets better. And people aren't quite fed up enough. And why our nation is divided along party lines and many seem to not like the fact that Insurance companies can no longer put a lifetime cap on our coverage, or jack premiums without our knowledge, or deny coverage for pre-existing illness. They want it the way it was thank you very much?

Stopping by the local organic store today for only the third time I was happy to see they had expanded. "We have growing pains again" The owner said to me "Which is a good thing...we can't keep up with demand and are quite busy" Seems a good amount of folks like myself who didn't grow up around anything but processed foods and learning little by little about organic products. Yes, it's a bit more expensive but I'm starting small with a bottle of coconut water. Organic snacks for my kids and organic fruit. All of which add up to less than a dinner out for us 4.

And so I encourage you to tune out all the noise about the Affordable Care Act and just celebrate with me the fact that it passed. For seemingly no apparent reason in the 5-4 decision, conservative judge Roberts decided to stand with the other side. Here's to more unexpected surprises as the Emergence unfolds and we break on through to the other side.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Rollin on a river

There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. We must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personal, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!

Banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.


Oraibi Arizona
Hopi Nation
September 2001

I'm reminded of this prophecy these last few weeks once again. It's hard to believe it's now 11 years old. These words are not new to me. I've produced a video about it and written about it here quite a few times.

The river is once again flowing very fast indeed. The last time it flowed this hard and this fast my father passed away suddenly. We are all still recovering. I became a caretaker for my Mother's grief. And I became more introverted in my own. My friends were also losing loved ones. In fact, the day my father passed away the family waiting room was filled to the brim with sniffles and tears.

There have been energies reminiscent of that time these last few weeks. A friends neighbor suddenly died and left behind a wife and 2 young children. A well known seemingly healthy person in my community suffered a mini stroke. She's 26. Panning back outside my community to the national news and it's two trains collided here...A raging river up over there and 8 wildfires raging in one state.

And that's all in the last 24 hours.

So how do we get through it? Like always. Do not hold tight. Let go of the "brain -branch" that clings you to the shore of all that you know. Yes, the river is Mighty but it will take you where you need to go. Let go.

Instead of worrying where it's taking you or how long it will take to get there or who will be there...just put your head back and rest. Smile. Laugh. Be present and see who's there with you. Deep breaths. Be still. Do not be afraid.

If everything looks exactly as it always has but feels completely different don't worry you are not going bonkers. Like the rear view mirror disclaimer says "objects may appear larger then they actually are"

If the news makes you more uncertain turn it off. We made the decision as a family to try no TV for a while. And a week and half in we're all enjoying the peace & quiet. And the games. And the stories. And the music. We are playing so much more music around here! The only good that comes from news gathering is the knowing that the River is strong. And that life is sacred. We do not know when our time will come suddenly.

So don't waste one minute in hesitation or fear. Do not speculate on the gloom and doom that awaits you at your workplace or your doctors appointment or your street corner. Banish fear from your vocabulary and your being. Be Joyful. Drink it in. Bathe in it. But absolutely Let go. Let go. Let go and the change it will come with ease. No matter what is happening around you...YOUR journey will be joyful and in fact, magical.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Alignment baby!

The Galactic Alignment sounds so.....Star Trek. But it is truly a dance in the heavens. I teach a lot about being in Alignment in life and how everything flows with the higher mind when one is Aligned with God and the heavens. The ways to become out of alignment are often very subtle. Fear and Worry are examples of emotions out of alignment and the prevalence of them are at epidemic levels right now on the planet. One can become quickly ailgned again however with a moment of presence. An interaction with another that IS aligned. Using a simple affirmation and so forth.

The alignment of the heavens is the positioning of the Planets to form a straight line sending an influx of energies to our planet shifting us into a new balance of higher thought forms within our mind body spirit will and soul, this opening of love or shift of energies can be catapulted within our physical body (THE HOUSE OF THESE ENERGIES) during the summer solstice the week of June 21st 2012 when the sun is at its most northern point causing it to be the longest day of the year.

In short....party in our physical body!

Explore the sensation in what you eat, think, feel & get physical with the one you love. Anchor these energies to the well spring of your being and enjoy the endless waves of Joy, Abundance, Contentment, Enthusiasm and the seemingly infinite array of positive emotions that being in alignment bring forth and that are especially heightened over the next few weeks since the monumental Venus transit.