Remember how long the days seem to be in the final weeks before summer break back in grade school? I remember when the Sears catalog would arrive in late October or early December and I would spend weeks circling what I wanted Santa to bring. I would take my time contemplating my list so I could perfect it to a T. As we would peel away the days on the Advent calender those final days seemed to take forever. Christmas Eve the evening hours seemed to morph into weeks as we lie await as long as we could hoping the anticipation would bring Christmas morning here faster
Aside from the birth of our children, I don't recall ever waiting with such fervor as I and my beloved have in the past year. We're created quite a vortex of intention. It is nearly all we talk about. As weeks became months however, I began to have a hard time thinking about it and just needed to focus on the day to day. Then slowly he realized that made it easier to wait as well. And although our anticipation has not waivered, it has begun to be tucked away if only for our own day to day sanity and mental and physical preservation and restoration.
It can be so exhausting waiting.
Are you waiting?
I know our beloved children are waiting in their own way for things in their heart.
I know my beloved Spiritual mentor and teacher is waiting.
I feel at this hour my faith is being tested. Oh sure, it has been tested before and I have passed with flying colors. The alternative always just seems to dark an alternative for me no matter what I have faced. Both my parents dying and my husbands heart attack being hardest among them. The loss of my profession after decades of success is not far behind. But, I am blessed to say that my faith is just a deep, integral part of me. When I make a determination that i need to pray more or begin a new spiritual ritual into my life, usually from my Catholicism...it's just me being me. When I began speaking of the Light, The Holy Spirit, Spirit, The Angels, Jesus, Mary Magdalene or any form of faith it's just me being me. I could easily be not just a spiritual counselor to those who suffer but a Preacher up on a hill.
I guess what I am saying is - not only is my and my husbands, faith STEADFAST, there is often FERVOR in my faith.
It really doesn't matter to me now to share with you just yet WHAT it is we are waiting for...more that we have been sitting here... waiting. I don't think waiting with our exact plans in place for over a year is being impatient. I do feel our faith is being tested and so with it has come periods of obvious frustration and sadness as I grow weary and impatient. Waiting has such a rich context in faith.
Because I am clair-sentinent and a very intuitive person, the frustratiion grows when I do not know a single reason of what the hell is going on and why we are waiting so long. Other reasons given by loved ones or friends or my teachers...wait, there are little to none of those reasons. The reason our daughter gave us was attended to. Listen, the Holy Spirit is capable of ANYTHING. ANYTHING. So reasons are really mostly mute in my heart.
Once, when my husband and I were very young and newly married we were were exploring the North Shore of Lake Superior. This was pre- cell phones. Pre- internet and all that. We had a physical map and we were trying to find the "Sawtooth Mountain" or perhaps it was plural I don't recall. There weren't many other notable landmarks on the map other than Lake Superior and few small towns. It was getting dark and we were still playful and adventurous but a little perplexed and feeling slightly defeated. It wasn't until at that exact moment of contemplating defeat that clarity sunk in. We were sitting in the car up high from the great Lake. "Wait a minute. This IS it. We are IN it. All of this IS the Sawtooth mountains! We've been driving in it all along!" And THAT is what I am come to today....that like it or lump it this incessant WAITING is part of our sacred holy journey we have embarked on now. We are to attend to the feelings that come from waiting, waiting, WAITING! We are to attend to the not knowing. And to Trust. And to not only be okay with the waiting but to be JOYFUL in the waiting. Grateful in the Now as we wait. Another way to put it is... Embrace the suck Ha! Can you do that?
I had a reading with my beloved mentor last week. I have about 2-3 a year and it is like a life raft at sea. I approached it with a cynicism so sharp I laughed at my snarkiness. "Okay God...let me guess, all the good things I've prayed for are going to be RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER I PRESUME? JUST LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 2 DECADES AM I RIGHT?" and then as the reading prayer began, I settled myself down to a dull roar of "Geez, your problems are really trivial, you have SO much to be thankful for of course, stop with the snarkiness, it's just the Dark, you got this!" and my guides and spiritual teachers came through to an exact time line of 10 to 15 days. Pray together, hands cupped by your hearts for 10 to 15 days"
This is day 7
We are praying and anticipating not with snarkiness but great reverance and anticipation but also yes, trepidation.
We are tired. And weary. And ready. We joyously believe our prayers are heard.
What are YOU waiting for?